Regulus's Schedule
by tenrousei-kuroi
Summary: All Sirius wants is for his brother to be on time just once in his life, especially now that Sirius's new boss is watching. Supposedly a comedy-fic. Sirius/Regulus James/Lily Rating for unorthodox life choices (see listed pairings).


Summary: Sirius really wants a promotion, but Regulus's tardiness is standing in his way. Regulus/Sirius. James/Lily.

Story notes: Comedy fanfiction shamelessly slapped together with no style whatsoever. Special internet kudo points to anyone who can guess the show being referenced (by which I mean bold-facedly copied). *no infringement intended. I take absolutely no credit for the following 4,000 words.

**Regulus's Schedule**

"Regulus, will you hurry up, we're going to miss the show!" Sirius called through the bedroom door.

"I'll be ready in a minute, _Sirius,_" Regulus yelled.

"_I'll be ready in a minute, Sirius,_" Sirius muttered to himself. "What a brat. Regulus!" he yelled again. "We're going to be late!"

"I'll be ready in a minute, Sirius."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "What time did it start again?" He looked desperately around the living room. "Regulus, where did you put the newspaper?" he asked.

"I'll be ready in a minute, Sirius."

Sirius pulled the entertainment section of the _Daily Prophet _out from under the couch. He rifled through it.

"8:25!" he exclaimed. "Regulus, it is almost 8 o'clock! Aren't you ready yet?"

"I'll be ready in a minute, Sirius," Regulus said as Sirius stormed in on him.

"Regulus," Sirius exclaimed. "You're not even dressed!"

Regulus looked up calmly at him from where he sat in front of the vanity, slowly drying his hair with his wand. He was still in his dressing gown.

"Regulus," Sirius moaned. "The Potters are going to be here at 8. You'll make us all late."

"Ha," Regulus laughed and ran his fingers through his hair. "If I know Lily, she's just about now getting out of the shower."

"No, she'll be ready," Sirius insisted. "James told me he was going to have her here on time, ready or not! You always do this to me; I've missed the first twenty minutes of every stage performance in the last five years."

"Oh, come on," Regulus said. "I am not that bad."

"Reg, you were supposed to be ready an hour ago."

"Oh please," Regulus scoffed. "It's your fault."

"My fault?" Sirius yelped.

"Yes," Regulus said. "I lost an entire hour, telling you I'd be ready in a minute. Now if you're in such a rush, why don't you pick out some dress robes for me?"

Sirius opened the wardrobe and pulled out the first set on the rack.

"Here," he held them out. Regulus eyed the maroon robes skeptically.

"Really?" he asked. "Those? You like those robes on me?"

"Yes," said Sirius immediately.

"No, I can't wear it," Regulus fussed. "Lily's seen me in too many times."

Sirius sighed and tossed the robes onto the bed. "These?" he asked, holding up a dark blue set.

"Oh, Sirius, _everyone's_ seen me in that!"

With a huff, Sirius tossed them aside and snagged an emerald set.

"I can't wear that to a play!"

"Why?" Sirius demanded. "Don't try to tell me the actors have seen you in it?"

Regulus scowled. "No," said, unamused. "It's too tight. Four bites of popcorn and I'll burst right out of it."

The doorbell rang and Sirius threw up his hands. "Regulus, I give up. If you aren't ready in five minutes, the three of us are leaving without you," he promised, and then he went to let James and Lily inside. Regulus stuck his tongue out at him as he left.

"James," Sirius said with a smile as he opened the door. He noted Lily's hair and makeup were pristine. "Wow, you did better than me. Regulus doesn't even have his robes on yet. I swear he'll be late to his own funeral. We're having dinner with my new boss, Libra Malfoy and her husband tomorrow and I swear if Regulus makes me late…"

"I heard that," Regulus said loudly as he walked into the living room of their apartment, fully dressed in slim, navy blue dress robes. "All right let's go everybody…oh, Lily, you look wonderful!"

Lily scowled.

"What's wrong?" Regulus asked, concerned.

"She's mad at me," James explained. "Because when I say ready by 8, I _mean _it." He slapped his hands together for emphasis.

"I don't get it," Regulus said. He walked around Lily and examined her closely. "You look beautiful, Lil!"

"Yeah, what's wrong?" Sirius asked curiously.

With an embarrassed frown, Lily unbuttoned and opened her long overcoat to show that underneath she was still in her underwear.

* * *

><p>"Regulus," Sirius called the next evening. Nervously, he glanced at the clock. "It's three minutes to 7, and we're due at the Malfoys at 7:30! I have to make a good impression tonight if I want to stand a chance of getting that promotion!"<p>

"Calm down, Siri," Regulus soothed. He sauntered into the room, decked out in his finest with a wide grin on his face.

"Regulus!" Sirius said, wide-eyed. "You're all ready to go!"

"Yes I am," Regulus smiled. He leaned up to kiss Sirius sweetly on the lips.

"I'm amazed," said Sirius honestly. "How did you do it?"

"Well," Regulus said. "I played a little trick on myself. I didn't want to mess anything up for you, Sirius, so, knowing my weakness, I accounted for it. I turned all the clocks in the flat back so I'd have an extra hour. It's not 7, it's really just 6!"

"Oh, Reg, that's wonderful! I'm so proud of you," Sirius ruffled his little brother's hair.

"Yeah," said Reg. "Come on, let's show up early and impress your new boss. I'm starving, I didn't eat lunch."

"Me either, I was too nervous," Sirius smiled and flicked the lights out with his wand. Despite the windows being wide open, the apartment was immediately plunged into near-darkness.

"Weird…" said Sirius. "It's awfully dark in here for 6 o'clock."

Regulus slid his wallet into his pocket. "Well, the days are getting shorter."

"No they're not," Sirius said. "They're getting longer…Regulus…" a look of horror began to creep across his face. "Regulus…Regulus get over here!"

Sirius tugged Regulus to him by his robes. "Regulus, which way did you turn all these clocks?"

"Backwards," Regulus cried. "So I'd have an extra hour!"

"No, Regulus, you idiot, you should have turned them forwards! It's not 6 o'clock, it's 8! We're going to be an hour late. Oh, come on!" He tugged Regulus out the door so fast the teenager's head spun.

* * *

><p>Libra Malfoy was pacing at a frantic pace. Given much longer, she might have worn tread marks in the carpet.<p>

"Stop pacing, Libra."

"An hour late," the aristocrat puffed. "I can't believe it. I can't stand tardiness. Abraxas, haven't I said it a hundred times, _I can't stand it when things don't run on time."_

Abraxas sighed and leaned his head into his hand. "When I think of how you made me rush with dinner. _Make sure it's done on time, make sure it's done on time._"

"Punctuality is a virtue!" Libra insisted. Her eyes drifted to the coffee table in front of her husband. "And Abraxas," she griped. "Haven't I asked you over and over not to set out that tacky, wax fruit bowl? We can afford real fruit, you know!"

"It was an anniversary gift from my mother!" Abraxas screeched.

Before Libra could reply, there was a timid knock at the door. "That'll be them," she muttered.

Sirius tumbled in breathlessly, tugging his younger brother and boyfriend in by his wrist.

"Sirius, I'm glad to see you finally made it."

"I'm so sorry we're late, Ms. Malfoy it's just disgraceful."

"Yes, it certainly is, I hope this isn't going to be a regular thing with you, Sirius."

"Oh no, sir, absolutely not!" Sirius promised. "No, this was just a mistake."

"See that it is," Libra said gruffly.

"Thank you for inviting us to dinner, Ms. Malfoy," said Regulus politely, extending a hand which Libra ignored.

"Yes, well, Abraxas is a fabulous chef."

"Oh, I'm sure," Sirius said.

"Dinner was delicious."

Regulus blinked. "Sir? You…ate without us?"

"Absolutely," Libra said stiffly. "I do not tolerate lateness at work or in my home."

Regulus felt his stomach growl.

"It's true," said Abraxas. "We had steak. It was this thick! I suppose I could cook something up for you really fast, even though everything's put away and the dishes are all done…"

Regulus opened his mouth, but Sirius cut him off.

"No, no, that's not necessary, Mr. Malfoy, we've eaten."

"But Sirius—"

"We've eaten, Regulus!" Sirius hissed. Turning back to Abraxas, he added, "Uhm…when we realized the Knight Bus was going to be a while in picking us up, we had a snack…"

Abraxas nodded thoughtfully. Everyone sat down around the coffee table and talk slowly turned to business. Sirius seemed terrified at this point to bring up the prospect of his potential promotion. Within ten minutes, Regulus had eaten every last after-dinner mint from the crystal glass on the table. When Sirius reached for one and saw they were gone, he glared harshly at his brother.

"Strange," Abraxas murmured when Sirius's fingers came up empty. "I swear I just filled this earlier. Well…I suppose I'd better get some more."

While he was up, Libra turned to face Sirius, and while the two of them weren't looking, Regulus snatched an apple off the centerpiece on the table. He bit into it quickly…and immediately found his teeth stuck in the hard wax.

* * *

><p>"Sirius please don't be mad," Regulus pleaded as they traipsed back into their apartment that night. Sirius was being very quiet, and walking with a frightening determination.<p>

"Ha," Sirius scoffed at his brother.

"But the Malfoys understood as soon as we explained the clock thing!" Regulus begged. "Mr. Malfoy cooked us dinner and everything!"

"I don't care," Sirius said harshly, sitting down at his desk. "It was still incredibly embarrassing." He frowned as he remembered having to pry the wax apple from Regulus's mouth. "Be sure you brush your teeth extra well tonight, Regulus."

"Sirius, what are you doing?" asked Regulus nervously. Sirius had begun scratching his quill hastily along a sheet of parchment.

"Making you a schedule," Sirius answered crossly.

"Huh?"

"Here," Sirius pointed. Regulus leaned over his shoulder and saw Sirius had drawn a makeshift calendar. The dates ran up the Y axis and he was now filling in the names of various chores and activities on the X.

"How long does it take you to shower, Regulus?" Sirius asked.

"What?"

"How long does it take you? I'm making you a schedule so you can budget your time."

"Wait, you mean like I budget my money?"

"…heaven forbid." Sirius pulled Regulus down into the chair beside him. "Now I'm assigning you time for each task you have to do every day while I'm at work and when I'm at home. Understand? You're only going to have so much time for this and so much time for that."

"Oh…" Regulus shook his head. "Well _this _doesn't take long, but I'm going to need much more time for _that_."

Sirius slapped his wrist. "Don't be a smart aleck."

* * *

><p>A much larger version of Sirius's original schedule was printed out and posted on the kitchen wall, although it unstuck easily so Regulus could move it where he wished.<p>

"Morning, Reg," Sirius said brightly as he entered the kitchen. He kissed Regulus softly on the neck. "I need to catch the bus…is breakfast ready?"

"M-hmm," Regulus nodded, marking some numbers down on his schedule.

"…well where is it?"

"Oh," said Regulus brightly. "I knew I wouldn't have time to make you anything today, so I did it last night instead because I had some free time then. Don't worry, I kept it in the freezer. I'll go get it."

He tugged a fried egg, now hard as marble, from the bottom freezer shelf.

"Regulus…I can't eat this," Sirius began.

"I'd make you a new one, Siri, but it would throw me off my schedule."

"I don't have time for this," Sirius said through gritted teeth. "Ms. Malfoy is expecting me. Just bring me some coffee, please."

"Yes, sir," said Regulus, and from the freezer he tugged a saucer cup. He plunked the drink down in front of Sirius, who absent-mindedly tried to stir it. The whole cup spun with the spoon and Sirius's eyes widened.

Slowly, he tugged the stirring spoon out of the cup, taking with it a saucer-shaped coffee Popsicle.

"What's the matter, Sirius?" Regulus asked with a nervous smile. "You've always liked iced coffee…"

* * *

><p>"So Ms. Malfoy," Sirius began tentatively. "I was hoping we could speak this morning about my possibly being promoted to assistant manager?"<p>

"Ah yes," Libra leaned back in her desk chair. "Been meaning to talk to you about that myself. Abraxas, could you fetch me those files now?" she called over Sirius's shoulder to her husband, who got up and began sifting through the file cabinet against the wall.

"Anyway," Libra continued. "Yes, Sirius, my boy you are more than qualified to be my new assistant manager."

Sirius perked up. "Really? Oh, that's great, Ms. Malfoy. So have I got the promotion?"

"No," she said simply.

"Huh?"

"You're the perfect candidate, Sirius, there's just that one matter of you being late to dinner the other evening."

"Oh no, Ms. Malfoy, that was just an accident!" Sirius insisted. "Remember, it was Regulus's fault…"

"Even so, if you can't control your own brother at home, then I must say I have little faith in your managerial abilities here at work. Thank you, Abraxas," Libra accepted the paperwork her husband was brandishing under her nose.

"No, you see, Ms. Malfoy, that's no longer an issue!"

"Oh, really?" asked Libra, raising a platinum blonde eyebrow.

"Really," Sirius said earnestly. "You see, I've got Regulus on a strict schedule now. I really laid down the law with him when we got home from your place. He does everything perfectly on time now!"

"Does he…?"

"Yes, I've got him trained like a circus seal. Why don't you and your husband come to our apartment for dinner tonight and you can see for yourself?"

Libra thought over Sirius's proposal for a moment while Abraxas shot them both mortified looks. "Sirius," Libra said loudly. "You've got a deal. Let me see just how well you've got your household running and then we'll revisit the topic of promoting you."

* * *

><p>Lily came over to the Black brothers' apartment that afternoon to find Regulus cleaning the mantle while the pleasant smell of a slow-cooking dinner wafted in from the kitchen.<p>

"Hello, Regulus," she said unusually coldly.

Regulus jumped down from the hearth. Sitting on the sofa was his schedule. "Hey, Lily. What's up?"

"Regulus, what do you mean by this? You're not actually going along with this crazy scheme of Sirius's, are you? This schedule thing?"

Regulus shrugged sheepishly, pocketing his wand. "Well, I do seem to find I have plenty of time now, I think it might have been a good idea after all."

"You're happy?"

"Yeah, I've got loads of free time for myself now and I'm never late anywhere."

"How on earth do you manage that?" Lily asked.

Regulus showed her the bottom of his calendar. "I've added an extra hour to each day," he explained brightly.

"What?" Lily yelped. "Where are you getting these extra hours?"

"From the next day," said Regulus simply. "It'll all work out fine until the end of the year, and then I'll be two weeks short."

"I can't believe you," said Lily. "At the rate this is going, James'll be trying to draw one of these things up for me by the end of the week!"

"Oh, come now," Regulus tried to reassure her. The sudden buzz of the doorbell cut him off, though.

"Mr. Malfoy!" he exclaimed when he opened the door. The middle-aged man marched straight into the living room. Regulus dashed after him.

"We weren't expecting you until tonight! Sirius and your wife are still at the office, aren't they? Uh…oh, this is Lily Evans, a good friend of mine and Sirius's. She and her husband, James Potter, are coming to dinner tonight, too…"

Abraxas ignored his words. "Regulus Black," he said sharply. "Just what the hell do you think you are doing?"

Regulus cocked his head to the side.

"Is it true that your brother has you running on some kind of dictatorial schedule?"

"Oh, that," Regulus glanced nervously at Lily and then over at the schedule itself. "It, well…"

Abraxas's own gaze followed Regulus's to the makeshift calendar. "You Benedict Arnold!" he yelled.

"Beg pardon?" Regulus squeaked.

"Your brother was just speaking with my wife about how amazing this _schedule_ idea of his was. Libra became so keen on it that she's considering making one for _me._"

"Oh," Regulus laughed nervously. "It's not a terrible thing, really. I'm much more organized now."

"And the Gregorian Calendar much more flexible," quipped Lily from the sofa. Regulus glared at her.

"Well she's got a point, Regulus," Lily said defiantly. "I've spent years convincing James that I don't have time to do all the things he thinks should be done around the house each day—"

"—as have I with Libra," added Abraxas.

"With this damned calendar of yours," continued Lily. "You're going to louse everything up for all of us!"

"Now you guys…"

"Regulus," Abraxas said, cutting him off. "Your brother told my wife he had you trained like a circus seal."

"Oh," Regulus's face fell a little. "Oh, I'm sure he didn't mean it like that. He just said that because he's so proud of me."

Abraxas arched an eyebrow. "Ah, and I supposed then that it was just an unfortunate choice of words when he invited us over here tonight to 'watch you perform'…"

"What?" said Regulus in a much deeper voice than normal. His eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Verbatim."

Regulus folded his arms thoughtfully.

"What are you thinking?" asked Lily a little nervously.

"Sirius wants me to economize my time for his boss tonight, then that's exactly what I'm going to do." He looked up at them both. "I suppose this is no time for formalities. Abraxas, will you help me?"

"Certainly," he said.

"Good. Lily?"

"Lead the way, Captain."

"All right," Regulus took each of their hands and pulled them to the kitchen, under his breath muttering, "Circus seals of the world, unite."

* * *

><p>Libra, James, and Sirius arrived promptly for dinner that evening. James had barely closed the door before Regulus, Lily and Abraxas swarmed in. Regulus ripped Libra's jacket off and threw it on the coat rack.<p>

"Wha—?" Sirius stuttered as Lily yanked his coat off, too.

"Oh, Sirius, I'm so glad you're home, honey. How was work?" Regulus gracefully held Sirius's arm and leaned up to kiss him.

"Oh, it went well. Ms. Malfoy and I—"

"Well, that's nice, but it's James's turn to talk now," Regulus turned from his brother abruptly and addressed James. At the same time, Lily shoved James, Sirius and Libra onto the couch.

"Oh, well, my day went well," said James once he'd caught his breath. "Early this morning there was this god-awful racket going on outside my window, so when I got up to look—"

"Sorry, time's up!" yelled Regulus, turning to Libra. "Ms. Malfoy, how was your day?"

"I…"

"Oh," Regulus cut in. "Actually James used all your time. Okay, everyone to the dining table for dinner!"

"Okay," chorused Lily and Abraxas, and they jumped up, pulling their spouses with them. Regulus tugged harshly on Sirius's collar, pulling him to his feet, and led him to the dining room.

"Now, just a minute!" Sirius cried as Regulus pushed him into his chair. "Regulus, just what do you think is going on here?"

"Sorry, sorry, we need to stay on schedule, Sirius, remember?"

"Right, right, schedule," confirmed Lily.

"The three of us'll be back with the soup," Regulus said, eagerly tugging Lily and Abraxas to the kitchen with him.

"Hang on, Regulus!" Sirius yelled. "Mr. Malfoy is a guest!"

"I don't mind," Abraxas called over his shoulder. The three of them disappeared into the kitchen.

"What do you suppose has gotten _into_ them?" James demanded of Sirius.

Sirius smiled nervously. "I…I don't know…"

Libra was staring, stupefied, at the pair of them.

"I've never seen anything like this," she muttered, just as Regulus, Lily and Abraxas came rushing back in. They set six bowls of soup on the table.

"Oh, it smells delicious!" Sirius said happily. "Ms. Malfoy, you'll be impressed. Regulus is quite the good little cook."

Libra smiled at Regulus, who grinned back and sat down in his chair. "Oh yes," he said. "There's nothing I love more than cooking all of Sirius's _favorites._ Well, that's all the time we had for soup. Abraxas, grab these dishes. Lily, go get the salads."

Regulus stood up abruptly and helped Abraxas snatch the bowls right out from under James, Sirius, and Libra's spoons.

"Hang on!" Sirius yelled after them as they dashed off. "I didn't get any yet! James?"

James shook his head sadly. "I didn't get any either," he moaned.

"Too bad," said Libra. "It was delicious. Cheddar vegetable."

James and Sirius moaned sadly.

"Here are the salads!" Lily slid plates up to everyone with rapid-fire precision.

"Caesar!" Sirius exclaimed. "My very favorite!"

"Oh I know it is, Sirius," Regulus said sweetly. "But now it's time for dinner. Lily, Abraxas?"

Lily and Abraxas nodded dutifully, snatching the salads and rushing them back into the kitchen.

"Abraxas!" Libra screamed after her husband and banging her fork childishly against her placemat. "Bring that back, I want to eat it!"

"What exactly are you playing at, Regulus?" Sirius growled, but Regulus scampered away without answering.

"Hey," whispered James. "There's a crouton on the table!"

"You're right," Libra breathed. She eyed James and Sirius carefully.

All at once, the three of them lunged with their forks, Libra emerging victorious, the crouton speared on a tine.

Before she could stuff it in her mouth, Regulus jogged back in and plucked it off her fork, before leaving to the kitchen again.

Libra's face froze with an expression of great shock, neatly mirroring Sirius's.

"Okay, dinner!" Regulus yelled. He raced around to stand behind James's seat.

"Regulus, now you knock this off right now!" Sirius demanded. "Bring us our food!"

"Sorry, Sirius, sweetie. I don't want to get behind schedule or I'll never catch back up! Lily, Abraxas, let's get those dinner rolls in here!"

Abraxas held open the swinging blinds that blocked the kitchen from the view of the dining room, and from out the small window opening, rolls began to fly towards Regulus.

Regulus caught them one at a time and threw them onto the plates in front of him.

"Atta' girl, Lily! Right here!" he clapped his hands together and caught the next bun.

"Regulus what is wrong with you?" Sirius stood up and seemed torn between stopping Lily's assault from the kitchen and strangling Regulus. Libra also stood up, screaming at her husband. When she vacated her chair, however, it put her directly in the line of fire and Lily's next two shots hit her square in the face.

"Lily!" James yelled.

Sirius pulled Libra out of the way, yelling "Regulus, I've had enough of this! You are so dead!" only to be clocked in the back of the head himself.

"Stop!" James begged, covering his face under the assault of bread and pastries. Mercifully, Lily and Abraxas ran out of ammunition and returned to the dining room, where Sirius was in the process of throttling his little brother.

After a minor scuffle during which a few more dinner rolls managed to strike, Libra called for order.

"I've seen enough!" she screamed. Everyone stilled. Sirius's hands were still around Regulus's throat.

"Sirius Black," Libra continued. "Just what have you got to say for yourself?"

"Sir?" Sirius squeaked.

"Why…you've got this poor boy _terrified_ of you! He's positively manic, that much is clear!"

"Yeah!" Regulus rasped indignantly, slapping at Sirius's hands.

Sirius slowly released Regulus. "Well," he conceded. "Maybe I got a little carried away…I'm sorry, Regulus, I shouldn't have tried to control you so much."

Regulus huffed and crossed his arms.

"I have to say, Sirius, look at this poor kid! Acting like a complete fascist is no way to run your home!"

"I…" Sirius looked pleadingly at his brother. "I know, I'm sorry," he murmured, cowed.

"—but it is the _exact_ right way to run a company, _assistant manager._"

Sirius did a double take. Libra was holding out her manicured hand for him to shake.

Even Regulus clapped with joy.

"Oh, Sirius," he cried. "Congratulations! I love you!"

"Ah, that's great," Lily agreed.

"Yeah," said James, smiling at Sirius, who was hugging his brother and kissing him in front of everyone. "Now you'll have the money to buy Regulus that new broom he's been wanting."

"I'd say he deserves it," Abraxas agreed, shaking hands with Regulus around Sirius. Regulus was grinning madly, Sirius not quite as much.

"Oh, Sirius, don't be grumpy," Regulus cajoled, pushing his face against his brother's cheek. "You know you love me more than you love your money."

"Yeah," Sirius admitted at the prompt of the four glares being directed at him. "Yeah, I do…"


End file.
